deStoneSucks.com

Daily I find myself doing things that six months ago I would never have thought about doing. This post is one of those things, indeed. Yes, friends, I come to you to share a link, a link to the almighty uberaffiliate.

Why am I writing this in response to his “Lessons” post? Well, first off he promised a backlink and has way more RSS readers than me. So I suppose that makes me a sell out, fuck that. I’m a money man and sometimes you gotta sell your soul for a backlink or two…

Over the last month, you’ve probably been watching uberaffiliate fall to his knees, … a failed, desperate, crushed man — much like I have. He profited around $180 bucks last month – a testimony to the size of his testicles for posting that in my opinion. Never the less, we can blame his horrid ex-girlfriend, his failed campaigns for ‘chat’, and a few bad acai media buys….

Since i’m feeling a change of heart, i’m going to quit slapping the guy around abit and I am going to pick him up and share some of my “life lessons” — proving that even dickheads like me still have a bit of a heart in them.

So, in my 28 years of experience at life, what can I share with you dorks?

First off, the 40 hour work week is slavery. Not everyone is designed to be an entrepreneur, but I’ll tell you this — if the Good Lord blessed you with that gift, do NOT try and be a wage-slave. I’ve been there, done that — every day is like having penguins peck the flesh off your cock. Avoid wage slavery.

Debt is for dumbasses. When I graduated college and got my first real big job making decent money I bought a corvette, a boat, a house, a truck, and partied like a rockstar. I never got into credit card debt, but thank god for that. I’ve pretty much sold it all and am feeling a bit better about my position in life. Only by things you can afford, in cash. Read Dave Ramsey to help further perpetuate this lifestyle.

Love everyone but Trust No One – Everyone has an agenda. You + God are the only people you can fully-100%-trust. Try to find and marry someone you trust somewhat. Chances are, they aren’t going to be perfect, but … hell, so far I’ve lucked out — maybe you will too. Our boy uber is pretty tore up about that girl … it’s okay, I thought she had big teeth anyways. Paul, you can find a better lookin’ chick out there that’ll love you for the big gay gooberaffiliate you are (kidding…)

Read fantastic books – Dave Ramsey, How to Get Rich (Felix Dennis), The Holy Bible (New Testament), 4 Hour Work Week.

Avoid bad wage slave books – “The On-Time, On-Target Manager”, Jack Welch, he will suck you into the corporate mindset.

Wear a tie to church, funerals, and formals – Sweatpants to everything else.

Go to the gym. Daily. Its your only body, take care of it.

Daily ask yourself, “Am I weird?” — if you think that you are — well, try to stop. I realized that playing magic cards and collecting comic books wasn’t going to get me where I wanted to go — SO I changed, you can too – now toss the copy of gen-13 in your bathroom.

Get a hot wife that loves you and that you love. Sometimes you’ll lose 4k in Adwords in a day and she will make you smile.

People say if it Fly, Floats, or F*cks, rent it. I say F*ck that. Buy that boat, get a hot wife, and make fun of poor people that aren’t as motivated as you (while avoiding debt). They will talk, but who cares – when your bikini honey mama is dancing to Two Short on the back of that badass boat, you can smile and think how much money and gas your burnin. They are the ones working in a 9-to-5 40-hour hellhole every day and can’t afford anything more than a kia sportage.

Love dogs, but dont own one, or hell, two of them. They piss on everything, chew up xbox headsets, and cost $250+ to board for a week if you go on a trip.

Don’t put CEO or President on your business card if your 13 to 18 years old. You. Just. Look. Retarded. You can’t be the CEO until you have at least 10 employees, even then your just a president in my mind.

Join a fraternity – Best 4.5 years in my life. Totally wasted, but worth the memories in the long run.

Go to College at a real college – That sh*t hole Community College is filled with the most absolutely retarded dental assistants you’ll ever meet. Live at least an hour from home.

Move away from home, but move back eventually – cause family is really important.

Don’t make fun of people from Kentucky

Make fun of people from New Jersey – They really are mutants.

Dry Erase boards make you feel corporate, successful, young and trendy — and it really proves you’re just a douche bag who likes to make lists.

Setup a hosts file so that you can’t go to MakeMoniesOnline.com, unless your into that shit during your breaks from wickedfire.

Punch a grammar policeman in the face – it feels good every so often.

Eat Candy Corn, that shit is mighty tasty.

Avoid Hot Pockets – You will get Zero play in the Bahamas, trust me.

That’s all – I cant think of anything else to really share this moment. Sorry if this blog post was a little too emo for you.

The question on everyone’s mind as of late — Are you going to be attending Affiliate Summit West in Las Vegas, NV? If not, you might as well stop building websites, accept wage-slavery, and give up in your quest to become a serious affiliate marketer. Seriously. Last year, my friend Nickycakes and I were building respectable blogs that the community was just starting to follow. I, personally, did not value the idea of spending time with other affiliates – honestly, I was concerned that someone would try to get me drunk and steal my ideas — so I chose to not go. Nickycakes, however, attended. While we have both become successful on different levels, it is obvious that making the connections at ASW really launched his career into overdrive. He met up with the Advaliant team, started slinging offers through neverblue using facebook — Hell, look at him; he is the posterboy for CPA-based affiliate marketing. No envy here – High five cakes, high five!

Why do I tell you this story? I have no problem admitting when I am wrong — and I was completely, absolutely, retardantly… wrong. I have been doing everything I can to meet the “movers” and “shakers” of the industry through online venues – but having had a real life conversation has given others a serious advantage over me, especially when getting access to exclusive offers.

So, I have suffered nearly 365 days! Finally, I am getting to attend my first Affiliate Summit conference. I even got myself a sweet platinum pass, courtesy of the Affiliate Summit Team (thanks Amy) – so I am going to attend all of the seminars and hopefully share my thoughts via the blog during the trip.

So, now, I toss it back to you — What’s stopping you from going? Is it the cost of the rooms? How about the airfare? Maybe the price of the passes scares you. Look, I will guarantee you that you will get more than $10,000 dollars worth of information out of this event. Why? Well, I will be there — and if you look me up, I’ll be glad to talk shop with you! There is going to be a posse of wickedfire characters there. Ryan Eagle is going to show up. Shit, Shitmonkey, er shoemoney is even planning on going!

So – for the excuses … let me offer you some solutions.

The Hotel Room – Gold Coast all the way. I am taking my hottie wife and staying in a premium room for a grand total of $160 bucks. Its a fair deal, for real. I think I get like $40 or $60 bucks worth of gambling change and food vouchers to work with as well.

The airefare – Ok, look, just book southwest – they are cheap, funny, and a good airline for economy flying. Look on craigslist, people are always selling rapid reward points for cash – you can get a cheap flight. I think I am spending a lil over $150 bucks for my airfare, but I booked early.

Conference Passes – Now, While i’m not as cool as some other bloggers handing out free press passes (check out ppc.bz – ask the barman, he can hook you up, I think he’s got like 40 free passes) — I do have a few options to help pay for it.

First off, use my code to get 10% off of any pass you buy:

ASW09DESTONE10
10% off silver, gold or platinum passes

Or if you have zero interest in watching me personally Rick-Rolling nickycakes panel, you can get a silver pass for a bit cheaper.
ASW09SLASH100
$100 off of a silver pass

Conclusion

Buy a pass, go.

Party like a rockstar, meet other affiliates, learn.

Call me, I’ll bail you out of jail — unless you “pedobear” a 15 year old that was in the skittles thread, … you’ll need to call aojon to help you with that.

I’m going to try and get some crap made up promoting this gay blog – if you want to tell everyone that deStone sucks via tshirt or ballcap or something else – Comment me. Feel free to give me some ideas, i’m pretty much down with whatever.

Update: ASW 09 Speaker Listings – http://www.affiliatesummit.com/09w_speakers.php